he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
