I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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