I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
