when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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