She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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