I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
