i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i just sent this text using only my big toe
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
