When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
