the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
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Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
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Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today