I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?