trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.