never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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