my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
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