The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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