fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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