as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
