I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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