She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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