god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
