I cannot find my penis.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
