Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
