How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
