I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize