Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
