Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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