you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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