farters have to be the big spoon...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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