My nipple is on Facebook.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
