Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
