I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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