some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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