The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
