we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
