A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
