on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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