Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
