id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
accomplished twins. life is a go
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
