just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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