someone owes me an orgasm
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
