Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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