just tell him i said nine months
no, he came in my armpit
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
