so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
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