Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
vagina is talking i cant
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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