Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
