Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
