so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
