I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
