is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
