I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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