I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
