we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
