My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
