In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
