I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
