So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
