This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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