you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
