I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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