I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
