Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I AM VODKA MAN
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
