if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
