Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
